Today I’m happy to share a guest post from Arielle about a serious topic. Read more from Arielle at her blog, My Nerd Obsessions.
“Death comes to us all; we can only choose how to face it when it comes.” (Robert Jordan, The Dragon Reborn)
Cemetery by http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Exian
Death and illness have visited our family before. My Mamaw died when Langley was less than six months old after years of bad health. It was a sad time for our family, but Langley giggled and gurgled through it all oblivious to what was happening around him. My mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer when Langley was about two. He sauntered through this experience too. Yes, Grandma was sick, but she would be OK. Grandma was laying around all the time just because she wanted to watch more movies with him right??
He didn’t notice tears or anxiety or really any of the emotional rollercoaster that the adults were experiencing in either situation. Then a few months ago my cousin died unexpectedly. He was my husband’s age and Langley had enjoyed playing with him when we visited my grandparents. Now death was a little closer, a little more scary. Could Daddy die? Mommy? I did my best to explain to him that yes that sometimes happens, but Mommy and Daddy try to be careful and we would be OK. I had to cuddle with him a few times at night to wipe away tears, but slowly, once again he had rebounded. As scary as this was he wasn’t reminded on a daily basis that Jeremy was gone.
However, right after Christmas this year my father in law was diagnosed with throat cancer. Uh oh. This is Grandpa. Grandpa who we see every day. We wrestle with him, go to work with him, and tell him about everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) that we do. This isn’t like a few years ago when I was able to say “Grandma is sick, let’s sit next to her and watch a movie.” Movie watching is for girls, not for GRANDPAS! Grandpas are for being rough with.
This time Langley is definitely picking up on every whispered conversation, every random comment and especially every tear. I am somewhat at a loss at how to proceed. I have tried to explain that Grandpa is sick and is going to get sicker before he get better, but I feel like that is more than inadequate. I am resisting the “everything is going to be fine” route because the news hasn’t been great and I want him to believe what I tell him in the future.
What if I tell him everything will be fine and everything isn’t? How much does a five year old need to know? How much should he know? How much should he see?
When my mother in law was going through chemo I tried to bring Langley out a much as possible because I knew it cheered her up. Now I wonder what kind of effect that is going to have on Langley to see his Grandpa get really sick, really quickly. Gillian (my 3 year old) is still blissfully unaware of anything going on so I still have a little time to figure out how to handle this situation with her, but I am going to have to do some serious explaining very soon to my very curious and concerned little boy.
Arielle is a mother of two making sure that her children grow up to be well balanced nerds. You can follow her nerd-developing progress on her blog, My Nerd Obsessions.
How would you proceed? Has your child experienced a loss and if so how have you dealt with it? How have you explained why God hasn’t fixed it?
Here are some books you may find helpful for explaining death to young children. *Affiliate links
About Krista
First, let me say that cancer is horrible. It affects everyone differently, so there isn’t an easy answer. When my Daughter (now 12) was in kindergarten, her teacher had brain cancer. Mrs. C told the class and parents of her dx and was always willing to answer questions. My opinion, is to be honest as possible. Grandpa has cancer. He is being treated, and we are hoping for the best. He is really sick. If his cancer progresses to a point where death is a real probability, tell him the truth. Maybe. Probably. Yes.
I would talk to your father in law and ask him how willing he is to answer questions. Mrs C heard everything from “What color is chemo?” “does it hurt?” “why does it take so long?” “do they give you cool bandaids like my MD does?” “are you going to die?” Mrs. c basically said “maybe. I don’t know, but I am going to do everything I can to stick around. And the doctors are on our side and want that too.” Mrs. C was awesome. I was foruanate enough to be her long term sub and worked with her on Thursdays when she had Q and A(she went for chemo on Fri and was back to work on Mon.) She lost her battle almost two years ago and yes, it stinks.
Aim sure there are many books on the subject. You could chk with your local library or hospice for references.
My first attempt at explaining death was to tell the kids about the massacre at Sandy Hook. They saw something on The Voice about it and I had to tell them that the people were singing for the kids who were taken away to be angels by a very sick man.
My grandmother died 3 days before my youngest was born almost 2 years ago., 10 months later, my husband’s grandmother died. 1 year and 1 week later, my grandfather died. 6 months ago, my step dad died. We’ve had SO much death to explain to our kids the past year and it really stinks. The worst was when my step dad died because while we expected it (he had pancreatic cancer), we didn’t expect it so suddenly and it was the only death that my children were home for. It was traumatic for them I’m sure. It’s not easy, thank you for tackling a rough topic.
My father passed away when I was 5. My mom was always honest with me and used our faith to explain what happened after he was gone.
I have twin 5 year old girl who are Poppy’s girls. We live with my parents, a year and a half ago(my girls were 4) we woke up to find my dad passed away in his sleep. My feelings are be honest with your children they are so much better at dealing with things then we are. Even if tears come at random moments just take it a moment at a time. Let him spend as much time with his grandpa because life is short and you never know when it will end. My girls always talk about my dad and what they did with him, those are the memories that keep him alive.